Tuesday, March 9, 2010

An unnecessary and totally useless preview of IPL3.

The greatest cricket-cum (cum in hindi means less) entertainment (zyada) show on earth will be starting in a few days time. So, I decided that an in-depth, knowledgeable preview to IPL 3 from a cricket expert like Harsha Bhogle, might just spoil your IPL-3 experience by becoming too serious and detailed. What you need is a fresh perspective from an obtuse angle. So that when you see the matches, you can differentiate between the leg-spinners and the fast-men.

This preview will contain a look at all the eight IPL-3 teams starting from the north in an anti-clockwise manner.

Team 1) King’s XI Punjab. First things first, the squad consists of more than XI people and unlike the Indian hockey team, non-Punjabis also play for it. This year has seen the captaincy change with Yuvraj Singh giving way to Kumar Sangakkara as a result of which a sharp reduction in the post-match hugs and kisses from Preity Zinta is expected. We are still sceptical about the chemistry between Preity and  Sanga, but expect lot of action in the pavilion with both the injured stars (that is what I call a "Hurt Locker (room)) – Yuvraj and Brett Lee vying for the lady’s attention. Also, in other news, it is expected that Irfan Pathan’s balls are expected to reach the other end at the lightning speed of 105 kmph.
But then, why am I talking about all this non-sense. The team name contains the word – King and that is for a reason – Sreesanth. Quite simply, he is the best actor, dancer, motivation expert and cry-baby going around the IPL circus. With a ball in hand, he becomes a premier swinging fast bowler. But that is not all, with Sreesanth in the team, all those following Sidin Vadakut on twitter can expect a tweet twice in every Sreesanth over, which is reason to get excited in itself.


Team 2) Delhi Daredevils. A team owned by the GMR group is as solid as a good corporate house. Not too many background stories around this team unfortunately. A team filled with batsmen such as Sehwag, Gambhir, Dilshan (of the Dilscoop TM fame), David Warner (the Aussie batsman who slogs like a hog) and AB De-villiers is expected not to face too many challenging bowling attacks. But then who needs bowling attacks to bother you when your matches are at the Feroze Shah Kotla pitch whose pace and bounce is as unpredictable ..... as well..... Ashish Nehra’a line and length. All in all, a completely avoidable team for the paparazzi, which is as serious as their captain – Gambhir’s name. Watch them only for the cricket.

Team 3) Rajasthan Royals. Lead by the maverick leg-spinner Shane Warne, the team has created history by becoming the first cricket team to have different jerseys for home and away matches. Seems rather odd to me, as they would be playing very few games at home in Rajasthan. Interestingly enough, some of their games have been scheduled in Gujarat. Did they ask Warne before doing that? FYI for Mr Warne – It’s a dry state (hahaha).

This Royals has team has never really recovered since the departure of their social and religious philosopher – Sohail Tanvir from their team. They have been further hurt by the loss of the Indian Garfield Sobers (aka Ravindra Jadeja) due to non-cricketing reasons. However, with a Shilpa Shetty (albeit now married) cheering for them, expect some Halla – Bol from these Royals.

Team 4) Mumbai Indians. Ok can’t joke around much about this team. They have GOD playing for them. Other than that – the team has an emphasis on WEST INDIANS (Bravo and Pollard) rather than NORTH INDIANS, which I am sure is purely coincidental in nature. The team employs a rotation of cheer-leading filmstars – Kareena one day, Raveena Tandon the next. It is the lack of consistency on and off the field which has cost the team in the last two editions. Expect Harbhajan and his doosras to do a better job this year.

Team 5) Royal Challengers Bangalore. This is a team filled with South Africans (past – Pietersen and present – Kallis, Boucher, Steyn). Hence, liable to choke. But with Kumble and Dravid in the team, they still might win lot of games.

I will keep my analysis of RCB  brief and simple. Point 1: The team knows how to have a good time. Point 2: Celebrity cheer leader is Katrina Kaif. Pure class. Nuff said. (See the pic and enjoy)

Team 6) Chennai Sooper Kings – A cult team lead by the Super Cool Captain Cucu aka YEM YESS DHONI. Filled with old and unfit allrounders like Flintoff, Oram, Kemp and Albie Morkel, they will rely heavily on the dirty Aussies – Hayden and Hussey to come through the tournament. The team is also a launching pad for sons of Chennai based ex-cricketers with Anirudh Srikanth (son of Krish Srikanth) and Vidyut S (Son of LS ;)) being prominent in the list.  [Quick edit - In light of squad changes and questionable paternity of some players, this sentence is striked off. Alternate useless fact is the brand ambassadors of CSK are the ex-dasher Srikanth and the dashing VIJAY]
On the bright side, expect the most sporting crowd of all  to come out and support at the Chepauk Stadium, which will include the genius Sivamani at work. Also expected to be bright is their yellow jersey, so Rizwan Khan is asked to stay away from the CSK games.

Team 7) Deccan Chargers. Defending champions, the winners of IPL2  have strangely not won a single game in Hyderabad till date having played 10 games there in IPL1 and the CL T-20. The team has very cleverly found a way around this and used the Telengana agitations to quietly shift their home matches away to the very stretched edges of the Deccan plateau – Nagpur and that place which Mamata Didi called Kotok. Expect Indian Railways & not Air Deccan to reach these places.

On the cricketing front, the dynamic Adam Gilchrist will be leading from behind (the stumps i.e.) as usual, but all eyes will be on the awesome Andrew Symonds and his latest antics. Rohit Sharma and Pragyan Ojha are two India hopefuls on whom a lot rests in this team.

Team 8) Kolkata Knight Riders. The most famous sports team in sporting history. Period. Famous from Ballygunge to Bangladesh and all other places were Bengalis inhabit. The team, the brand is exactly what the IPL is all about – entertainment. Their exploits are well known and need no repeating. And this season they intend to go the extra step. SRK has already gone ahead in a campaign with Nokia called Main Bhi Coach campaign wherein any fan can send SMSes to 9664555555 and “coach” the team. Expect many prospective Buchanans and Greg Chappells showing fingers to the team when they disregard their advice.

The team will be appearing in a shocking, body hugging (LUX Cozying), purple jerseys this year and the sight of Ishant Sharma running into bowl like that might just make a few batsman sick and get retired hurt. The team will benefit from having Dada as captain for the time being, but in case he gets injured, all hell is expected to break loose once again. This is a team which has seen almost everything in the last 2 years – with world class players like Mashrafe Mortaza, Tatenda Taibu and Akash Chopra often donning their colours - but the appointment of a coach with the name “WHATMORE” does appear to be a sign of desperation. For cinematic effect, they also have a player – who can really say, My Name is Bond, Shane Bond. And finally, with most matches at Eden Gardens expected to be hit with “load-shedding”, Dada & Co are said to have practiced extensively in the dark – justifying their name – NIGHT RIDERS.

Coming to where to follow IPL, obviously, you would have to see it on the channel which broadcasts it (most probably Set Max). But for detailed analysis of the finer points of the game, switch to the "Aman-Asha" channel Times Now. They are most likely to have the legendary Charu Sharma and "Chicks on Flick" anchor - Neha Sareen along with such cricket experts as Arbaaz Khan (h/o Malaika Arora Khan - FYI) and the celebrated cricket historian Boria Mazumdar to discuss about fielding positions - silly points, fine leg etc. Cricket really gets serious with these folks You can also follow it on You Tube. (Google you are warned - hope you have cricket servers in place - I hope you guys know what happened to Cricinfo here)

A few important issues have been intentionally left untouched. Firstly, the various stages of undress of the different cheer-leaders. No photos here as it is quite possible that my family members might read this some day. Having said this, this is my all-time favourite cheerleader story. Read and enjoy. Secondly, no IPL article is complete without mentioning Mr. Lalit Modi. But after seeing him call  this blog by Anand Ramachandran on cricinfo a fake, I decided not to push my luck.

And finally, you might be thinking after reading this post, that I don't like the IPL at all. Well, I do have my reservations about it but it is a good thing at least for one reason. It has something for everyone in the family and a much better way of spending time as compared to watching "Saas-Bahu" serials or Arnab Goswami talk.


  1. With each blog of yours you have been getting all the more "useless". Keep up the uselessness...thats your USP.....he he

  2. Very enjoyable reading. Here's my vishesh tippani.

    1) Lovely selection of photos, especially the ones with the beautiful ladies and their men.

    2) "...and unlike the Indian hockey team, non-Punjabis also play for it." LOL!

    3) "...expect lot of action in the pavilion with both the injured stars (that is what I call a "Hurt Locker (room))" Saw it coming but still found it funny.

    4) "Chennai Sooper Kings" - Sooper! Have heard that word, with that pronunciation from one and all, without any gender, caste or religious bias, during my Chennai trips.

    5) "...but the appointment of a coach with the name “WHATMORE” does appear to be a sign of desperation." Classic:)

    6) "...For cinematic effect, they also have a player – who can really say, My Name is Bond, Shane Bond." Good company for My Name Is Khan, isn't it?

    Finally, the YouTube IPL channel is up & running, please do tune in to - www.youtube.com/ipl

  3. paul da...The pic selection are awesome...
    U might hv to do a little more googling to collect them for ur article..But really sir..ur blogs are getting more attractive daily;-)

  4. vidyut isnt LS ki aulaad


    anirudh however is

  5. interesting dissection of that money spinning body that has truly united everything india stands for, cricket,bollywood,politics,and how to truly ape the west...... and is she hot! 'what more' could we want????? p.s. there is something about the 'colour purple'....atleast mr spielberg thought so...... :P

  6. Please do explain the XXX on back of KKR's jerseys. Thank you for the home and away jersey funda. I didnt know that

  7. @greatbong - Here's the XXX explanation - http://twitter.com/iamsrk/status/10188050260

  8. nice one.
    specially the pic selection.

    what i liked most was "Also expected to be bright is their yellow jersey, so Rizwan Khan is asked to stay away from the CSK games."

    how can you even think of Rizwan while writing this


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